Article posted Friday, May 29, 2009 2:14pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  A livelier thing to do would be to sneeze loudly and then run toward the restroom.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  With Father’s Day around the corner, it’s a good time to brush up on pretending to enjoy golf. It’s best to ease in by starting to wear argyle socks.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  A historical landmark is set to be re-named in your honor, just minutes after your Spandex-clad leap from atop.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  More frequent use of soap, and less frequent consumption of Cheetohs, will nab that orange mustache problem once and for all this month.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  A kelly green pea will soon change to army green before your very eyes. Your breath may be related to this curious event.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  You have a difficult choice ahead of you. Contrary to conventional wisdom, however, you should choose “dull knife” this time around.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Investors suggest that you rely less on horoscopes when gambling with your life savings.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Your ability to rattle off inspiring words is infinite, though somewhat deflating.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  With mosquito season upon us, the cosmos advise a pre-emptive strike. Only microfiber turtlenecks and rubber waders for you this summer, kiddo.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  A heated debate about the importance of Ebonics in our schools will be best won if argued in Esperanto.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Your inclusion in the Guinness Book of World Records will be short-lived, no thanks to your pesky neighbor who’s had it in for you since day one. Next time you’ll just have to try harder not to break your five-foot toenail.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Your lucky office accoutrement this week is the paper clip, which will save the day at a critical moment when your binder clip freakishly breaks to the horror and dismay of unwitting bystanders.