Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Apple pie and a baseball game will be highlights this week, in great contrast to last week’s garbage-tornado fiasco.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your shades make you look cool, but efforts to restrict hair-gel usage are advised.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): The sunny side of the street will have periods of unexpected shade precisely because you were just a little too positive during that sales meeting.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It’s beach time for you! And yes! Yes you can wear a Speedo!
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your dream of one day becoming a career flower girl is set to come true within minutes of healing from the plastic surgery and height-reduction procedure.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): It is ok to be frugal with your money today as long as you promise to stimulate the economy double-fold tomorrow.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The weather’s got you down, but your real problems are the evening news and all that unsuccessful wart treatment.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Bubble gum and balloons are your lucky items this week. Use them in tandem near the hair of enemies.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Losing the lottery was a tough pill to swallow. Rejoice in that credit card offer that came in the mail, though, and things will look up in no time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your look is runway worthy, but your strut is a bit gawky still. Practice, practice, practice… and bandage, bandage, bandage.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You rock.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Be open to new friendships, but be wary of exploitation. Above all, never forget the clown that makes this statement necessary.