Cancer (June 22 – July 22): This week will likely entail the loss of a favorite trinket or a vehicle. Console yourself by wailing loudly enough for the neighbors to hear for 30 to 40 minutes.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): This is a great month to take up clown-suit waterskiing. If this seems too radical, you might try mime-unicycling.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your lucky duck this week is the goose. Keep one handy while day trading.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Yes, that haircut was a bitter pill to swallow. But, at least you didn’t have to literally swallow bitter pills.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Balloons and archery sets should not be given to children at the same time, unless of course you like to waste money and hear children cry.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Put the “pop” back in “popsicle” and give one to your dad as soon as possible.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be willing to accept sage advice, especially seconds before illegal jaywalking or Kleenex stealing.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): In lieu of your usual passive aggressive, snarky, under-your-breath comments, this month try blowing bubbles and coloring rainbows with magic markers thrice daily.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Chewing on gravel will not make your dentist happy but, boy, it’s going to taste really, really good!
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Throwing your negativity boomerang will have obvious consequences, so either be less negative or duck more.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A new romance is on the horizon, which unfortunately means you’re going to have to ride that horse for quite some time before you catch up with it. Bring snacks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Last week’s messy and failed attempt to make marshmallows at home is likely to be trumped by this week’s indoor firecracker experiment.