Leo (July 23 – August 22): Celebrate the Fourth of July by moonwalking through your hometown parade. Glittery glove optional.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Although you do not have a magic genie and you do not have three wishes, making a list is still wise. It’s best to be prepared…just in case.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your lucky holiday toy this week is the sparkler. Use it to decorate your hair, to retrieve a cat toy from behind the fridge, or for wagging in general throughout the neighborhood.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your emulation of Paris Hilton will reach new hilarious heights tomorrow just shortly after a princess Chihuahua rejects you.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Pirate Day has come and gone, but remember it’s never a bad time to put a patch over your eye and say “arrrggghh” a lot.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Only by taking up the kazoo, while visiting Kalamazoo, will bring back Captain Kangaroo. Remember this as you visit the loo.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): This week, prioritize getting out on the water. If access is limited, use your bathtub to simulate a Great Lakes adventure.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): As you rewrite your life this month, be sure to make yourself taller, your breath better and your pocketbook fuller.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Make it your goal this weekend to appear – somehow, somewhere – on a Jumbo-Tron. For tips on how to do this, visit Eddie at the Bowl or Sicnarf at Leroy’s.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A slip ‘n slide experience next week will end questionably due to circumstances involving a bathing suit, a squirrel and a tree.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Ignorance of the law is not a defense, but the stars recommend skinny-dipping anyway.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Good news: you are set to win a Benjamin Franklin look alike contest. The fact that you are a female should not in any way take away from the joy of the occasion.