Article posted Thursday, July 2, 2009 11:56pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  Celebrate the Fourth of July by moonwalking through your hometown parade. Glittery glove optional.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  Although you do not have a magic genie and you do not have three wishes, making a list is still wise. It’s best to be prepared…just in case.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  Your lucky holiday toy this week is the sparkler. Use it to decorate your hair, to retrieve a cat toy from behind the fridge, or for wagging in general throughout the neighborhood.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Your emulation of Paris Hilton will reach new hilarious heights tomorrow just shortly after a princess Chihuahua rejects you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Pirate Day has come and gone, but remember it’s never a bad time to put a patch over your eye and say “arrrggghh” a lot.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Only by taking up the kazoo, while visiting Kalamazoo, will bring back Captain Kangaroo. Remember this as you visit the loo.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  This week, prioritize getting out on the water. If access is limited, use your bathtub to simulate a Great Lakes adventure.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  As you rewrite your life this month, be sure to make yourself taller, your breath better and your pocketbook fuller.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Make it your goal this weekend to appear – somehow, somewhere – on a Jumbo-Tron. For tips on how to do this, visit Eddie at the Bowl or Sicnarf at Leroy’s.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  A slip ‘n slide experience next week will end questionably due to circumstances involving a bathing suit, a squirrel and a tree.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  Ignorance of the law is not a defense, but the stars recommend skinny-dipping anyway.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  Good news:  you are set to win a Benjamin Franklin look alike contest. The fact that you are a female should not in any way take away from the joy of the occasion.