Article posted Thursday, July 9, 2009 5:38pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  Your resemblance to Smurfette has always been your bane, but take heart. Just as being green has become enormously popular, so, too, will being blue in due time.

Leo (July 23 – August 22):  You’ll be shocked to discover your pet is able to not only play hopscotch, but also skip rope. Sell, sell, sell!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  As a former Bon Jovi groupie, you’ve had a hard time letting go of the “‘80s hair band” fashion of which you are so fond. Good news:  you can stop trying because this fall, that hair and those clothes are going to be in style and H-O-T!

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  An extended stay at the beach will create a bodacious tan. Unfortunately, the sand in your car and the memory of the dude in a Speedo will last much, much longer.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Breakfast tomorrow will be evilly delicious.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Legwarmers, you’ll note, do not make good headwear unless you are absolutely desperate. This is conceivable, given your unruly hair, but preventative measures are strongly advised.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Your plot to bring Top Gun reenactments into main stream culture will soon be foiled by a pack of rabid Civil War re-enactors.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Nothing would be tastier than a scrumptious piece of toast right about now. Unfortunately, bread has been discontinued.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  Your lucky beverage this week is mouthwash.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  A business decision is likely to yield tremendous gains next week. Pat your monkey on the back for picking the most lucrative stocks and then give him a banana.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): An errant eye-drop shall soon be mistaken for a tear, causing others to feel sorry for you. Milk it for all you can because the sympathy will be all too fleeting.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  Upon the waxing of the next moon, your inner twins will be out in full force, creating a series of tricky two-faced situations. Do your best to corral them with more yoga and fewer margaritas.