Article posted Thursday, July 23, 2009 1:00pm
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Horoscopes
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Two wrongs do not make a right, but a left turn can be replaced with four right turns. It is this peculiarity that will occupy your daydreams for three-fourths of tomorrow’s conference call.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A better sleeping bag and bug spray should be at the top of your shopping list since you’ll be living in the doghouse from now on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your extremely chapped lips and unruly hair are just a few of the traits that are going snag Mr./Ms. Right at Sunday’s softball game. And yes, you will have a hard time determining if it’s a Mr. or a Ms.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): An apology for your remarks is in order and would be best televised so that all Canadian residents may hear it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A bank error in your favor will soon make you the proud owner of a $2.50 ATM fee.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your sneeze will escape your body at 30 miles per hour and knock a butterfly off its flight path somewhere in Mexico.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your ancestors were chimpanzees and your descendents will be orangutans. You do the math.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Money is on your mind this week, probably because someone super-glued a fifty to your forehead.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your lucky celebrity this week is Carrot Top. Find a picture of him, make color copies, and then use the copies to wallpaper your room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your obsession with time is less impressive than time’s obsession with you. Apply anti-wrinkle cream immediately.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A computer glitch, or perhaps an evil alien plot, will make Monday trying.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A carpentry project will have mixed results when you realize, simultaneously, that your cabinets are gorgeous and that you also have tetanus.