Article posted Thursday, July 23, 2009 1:00pm


Leo (July 23 – August 22):  Two wrongs do not make a right, but a left turn can be replaced with four right turns. It is this peculiarity that will occupy your daydreams for three-fourths of tomorrow’s conference call.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  A better sleeping bag and bug spray should be at the top of your shopping list since you’ll be living in the doghouse from now on.

Libra (September 23 – October 22):  Your extremely chapped lips and unruly hair are just a few of the traits that are going snag Mr./Ms. Right at Sunday’s softball game. And yes, you will have a hard time determining if it’s a Mr. or a Ms.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  An apology for your remarks is in order and would be best televised so that all Canadian residents may hear it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  A bank error in your favor will soon make you the proud owner of a $2.50 ATM fee.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Your sneeze will escape your body at 30 miles per hour and knock a butterfly off its flight path somewhere in Mexico.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  Your ancestors were chimpanzees and your descendents will be orangutans. You do the math.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  Money is on your mind this week, probably because someone super-glued a fifty to your forehead.

Aries (March 21 – April 19):  Your lucky celebrity this week is Carrot Top. Find a picture of him, make color copies, and then use the copies to wallpaper your room.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  Your obsession with time is less impressive than time’s obsession with you. Apply anti-wrinkle cream immediately.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21):  A computer glitch, or perhaps an evil alien plot, will make Monday trying.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22):  A carpentry project will have mixed results when you realize, simultaneously, that your cabinets are gorgeous and that you also have tetanus.