Article posted Thursday, June 17, 2010 5:33pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A clogged gland will inhibit your game, but will be compensated for astoundingly by your bright yellow tank top.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your broken promise will catch up with you upon your mate’s discovery of a certain errant toilet lid.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Luckily, after you are one of the first people to colonize Mars, your despicable handwriting will no longer have bearing.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will declare the clock’s little hand a mortal enemy after its refusal to move faster during choir practice.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your lucky slogan this week is “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go to Gustman.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Avoid rude people. Lacking any real defensive ability or strategy, it’s really all you can do.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A dose of good manners will go a long way this month – surprisingly, good manners will end up being a great way to defy your mother as well.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A large ball of string will be the thrilling subject of not just your vacation, but also an America’s Funniest Home Videos “best of” reel.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Hershey’s syrup and a can of Mountain Dew will make Friday’s dental appointment both unforgettable and delicious.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Like a vest without arms, you are a primate with no fur.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A switcheroo will be terrifying at first, then utterly hysterical, just after you’re done being sick from the hockey puck you ate thinking it was a hamburger.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A movie plot will ring truer than you could have imagined, especially given your “Benji” nickname.