Article posted Tuesday, July 27, 2010 2:04pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): During this phase of the constellation Obanana be sure to wear your seatbelt, even in the garage. Do pay close attention to the man behind the curtain.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Chef Bay-Yar-Dee wants to send you six quarts of tomatoes and a cubic foot of rock salt, but reserves the right to substitute either if shortages occur.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Now that the period of anxiety has passed, feel free to try on those hip waders that are in a box under your bed. Discard your galoshes after emptying them of water.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): These are exciting times with approval of your application to be a thoracic surgeon reaching final status. Be aware there is a loose board on your front porch.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Nervousness, which has concerned you this past interstellar period, will be over soon as a truck carrying radioactive waste stops parking in your driveway.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The person who absconded with your trampoline has received an interplanetary shock and will soon be returning the device to a sporting goods store for refund. Stem forward and claim your property.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your career will take a new direction with emphasis in Far Eastern development of the common radish. The phone call from your bank was about an underdraft – they owe you an apology and a large sum of money.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The signs from outer space coincide with your purchase of two lottery tickets. Await further signals before buying additional ducats. During the waiting period, try yodeling in the early morning but not after 4:00 pm.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Now that you have learned the secret location where Elvis spends his spare time you should seize the opportunity to start a llama farm and to return all the hubcaps to the Buick owners on your street.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It is crystal clear to all that you have done nothing to provoke those annoying phone calls from Donald Trump. You will find your lost catcher’s mitt behind the stove.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This is the exact moment to call your Congressman and demand that he return your matching set of screwdrivers. Your picture will be on Facebook within a week.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): As the clouds of galactic dust evaporate, those unfamiliar sounds you have been hearing the past month will now be recognizable as the Throckmorton Gospel Singers of West Jacksonport.