Leo (July 23 – August 22): Sharp objects will be a curse that can be lifted from your future. Obey most traffic laws in this crucial period and be on the cusp of interstellar wavelengths that were previously intercepted by the Public Broadcasting Network.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your doorknobs will become radioactive so this period in your star-studded career should be a focal point on which you can pawn your high jump medals. Take down your bald eagle feeder and visit a palm reader.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): As Pluto grows dim, take time to send birthday greetings to someone who will have a birth date in 2010 and remember to separate cans and bottles. Elvis or his uncle Julius will call later this week.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Brighter moments are in store for you. First, discard those fuzzy pajamas with the bellbottoms and set out your empty milk bottles at an earlier hour. Then contact Garrison Keillor for his latest political opinion.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Be bold and strike a firm posture this lunar period by demanding that your cousin Roger cease repairing automobiles in your driveway and remove the front end of the 1968 Chevrolet from your front lawn.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Celestial forces beyond your comprehension will cause the chestnuts on your tree to fall earlier than usual. Take this as the opportunity you have wished for to send in your unpublished poetry to a nearby printer.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your horoscope for this period was not received from the cable provider in time for publication in this issue. Remain calm. Do not operate heavy machinery.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): During this essential celestial period take nourishment in greater quantities and be on the lookout for meteors larger than a grapefruit. Your dry cleaner will call this week.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): People you will encounter at the bus station may not recognize your outstanding qualities. Feel free to distribute Harry Truman campaign literature to those holding round trip tickets.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Wear plaids until Jupiter aligns with the flagpole at the Gills Rock Convention Center. Your advanced cha cha classes will be cancelled but disco will be revived and capture the nation.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You will find a fortune cookie in with your brussel sprouts and the message indicates that your pre-washed jeans should be dry cleaned. Avoid left turns on weekends.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Hurry to the bus station as the first person in line to greet incoming passenger Donald Trump will get six quarts of prune juice and a nine-foot step ladder.