Article posted Thursday, September 2, 2010 11:32am

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your compulsion to unplug other people’s toasters will be cured this celestial period and you will find a set of snare drums on your front porch to replace the tuba which rusted in the summer humidity.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The future will be unsettled until you get an unlimited call package for your cell phone. Experiment with the common pitchfork to improve your dexterity and call out bingo numbers in your spare time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): The plan you drew up for the invasion of Marinette has been accepted by the U.S. Coast Guard. Additional good news will reach you in 11 days that will solve the riddle which has haunted you and upset your coon dog. Remain alert and look skyward.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Exciting avenues of adventure lie ahead so you can now discard all those 2009 magazines you have been reading. Take a day to visit your local weather forecaster. Bring joy to your neighbors by parking your 1991 Buick in back where it is out of sight.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will be recognized by many for the completion of your four movement symphony for violin and bass drum which will be performed in the parking lot of Gus Klenke’s Garage. Wear a clean shirt as photo-ops will take place.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be alert this holiday season. Have the garden hose ready to wet down your roof and any too-enthusiastic neighbors. Your radish crop is destined to be exceptional but watch for the same thieves who stole your eggplant.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Cosmic calibrations will reach your home with advice that your 1982 Buick, missing since your 2006 trip to Wal-Mart, has been found near Valmy and will be returned to you soon. The rear doors and back seat are yet to be located.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This is the month to be courageous and reveal that your inner self is in conflict while, on the surface, you appear to others as an ill-tempered lout with no redeeming qualities. Dance lessons will help you prosper.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Tour desires will be advanced, especially your plan to become governor of Illinois as all the other candidates have been indicted or arrested. Take nourishment but be suspicious of green grapes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Vibrations in the stratosphere will bring the news that your relatives will finally pack up and leave. Seize this moment in history to apply a coat of premium paint to the front vestibule and plan a visit to the recycling center.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You will achieve your major goal this period and soon will have the four-stall garage you have wished for. To ensure success, avoid applesauce and remember that your consumption of fat free milk does not indicate disloyalty to the Wisconsin dairy industry.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Ill winds will cease this cosmic moment and so will the odor from next door as booyah season has ended. You should air out your closet and go downtown to meet with village officials.