Article posted Thursday, September 9, 2010 2:08pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The stars shout to you, seize this moment. Reject both paper and plastic – carry your groceries in a potato sack. At the same time, accelerate work on your musical program for orchestra, chorus, and all the people in Valmy.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A very large, luminous trapezoid will appear on the roof of your garage. Do not attempt to remove this object. Do not operate heavy machinery. Do not pass “go.” Do not do anything until your next horoscope appears here.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): This month could be dangerous for you. Avoid Central America, Indonesia and Ephraim after 11 pm. Take further precautions by not playing the radio or your tuba and also by giving up elderberry-flavored vodka.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Look to the night sky for signals and stray fireworks from the Carlsville Regional Fair and Farm exposition. A large explosion will be a reminder that your uncle Ed still does not have his moonshine formula perfected.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Bellbottom slacks will help you sustain your position as a fashion plate in these unsettled celestial periods. Wear them to the bus station as arriving passenger Donald Trump will be expecting an up-to-date crowd.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Repossession of your 1998 Buick will turn out to be the yoke lifted from your shoulders. You can now remove your motorcycle from the living room and keep it in the garage.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): During this astrological moment in your present state of tranquility, gather all your photographs of Russian spies and make a montage for the Door County fair bulletin board.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your future is bright as Saturn has returned to orbit which signals that you can resume canning tomatoes without those stern glances from the woman next door. Cumquats are also approved.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Opportunity knocks. The person who holds the missing items from your collection of Oldsmobile hubcaps will be in your vicinity and willing to trade for pink flamingo lawn decorations or TV antennas.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A tall, dark and handsome stranger will appear on your front lawn, either bearing valuable gifts or to measure how much of your yard is actually public land which will be turned into a parking lot for boat trailers.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Leave no stone unturned this celestial season. Pump up your bicycle tires and set out for Escanaba where you will be in good company with others who also wear day-glo trousers and candy cane shirts.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Sudden vibrations from the direction of Baileys Harbor coincide with your horoscope and the position of Pluto. This is the precise time to double down on the Wisconsin Lottery instead of throwing ten-dollar bills off the Egg Harbor pier.