Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will receive a celestial communique which advises that your washer-dryer contains a secret code. Operators are standing by to take your call so contact the President with this vital information.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A most serious test of your fortitude is in the lunar period ahead. Will you have sufficient duct tape for the situation? Return all borrowed tools to your neighbors.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): The crockpot you have misplaced will appear this week at the bus station. In place of the booyah you were brewing, find a bag of M&Ms that are a good color match to your new fall wardrobe.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your future has never looked brighter. It may rival the star Riegel. No disappointments lie ahead excepting your inability to grow facial hair which is a trend sweeping the nation and many locker rooms.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Go, as soon as possible, to Jacksonport. Messages await. Do not tell anyone where you are going and park your car at the Ephraim wetlands to avoid being followed. Disregard messages left by Donald Trump.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be cautious in this celestial moment which will last for 12 days. Then, resume disco dancing. You will be met by a tall man at the Sister Bay Dance Pavilion who will introduce you to the Texas-Two-Step.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Strange lights will appear in your front yard indicating that your Buick will be returned or that the cabbage picked last month is getting aromatic and that you should offer some to the neighbors.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This month, as you look to the western skies for relief, be aware that the 2 pm bus for Forestville now leaves at 5 pm except certain days. Be sure to speak up at the village meeting on a new topic.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): No further action will be required of you this interstellar season. Your application to be chancellor at the Northport University of Steamship and Scuba Diving will be accepted.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This month take special care to avoid any person wearing a tee shirt that has a picture of Mussolini on it. You will be rewarded for your good nature and generosity and many bushels of turnips will be on your doorstop soon.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Great future for you. Celestial signals celebrate your triumph in the baton twirling festival in Fish Creek. Now, seize the opportunity to demonstrate your in-line roller skating ability while holding your goldfish bowl.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You must continue to have faith in the lottery. Just as Mars grows closer to the sun your moment will arrive. Temporarily, wear new shoes and a wide-brimmed hat. Read the Pulse instead of the Racing Forum.