Article posted Thursday, September 23, 2010 1:05pm

Leo (July 23 – August 22): More good news from your stockbroker. He has been indicted. Watch Saturn and Venus for signs that the manuscript of your memoirs has been located, probably in Roanoke, Virginia along with your uncle Leo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your Lawyer will call in three days with good news that while cousin Elmo did not get a reprieve, he will get reduction in the voltage. Do not operate heavy machinery in this season and avoid left and right turns.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Watch for celestial confirmation that your soufflé will take first prize in the Sevastopol bake-off and tractor pull competition. Remain flexible and place orange highway cones on your back porch.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): As galactic action increases your heart rate, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain as he is on vacation in Nova Scotia. When crossing Highway 42, take note of cars with Clinton bumper stickers.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will be contacted by a whirlwind, which will leave a fruitcake in your shopping cart after you have cleared the check-out at the local food market. Purple will look good on you this celestial period.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Go immediately to the Amtrak station. Take the bus from Valmy and leave your peanut butter sandwich behind, as there is no time to waste. A grand present will soon be in your hands.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your every wish will be fulfilled in this celestial season, excepting the lottery prize. Sunken treasure will be dredged up and placed in the back seat of your Buick by vaporous persons. Leave your porch light on.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A sensational start to this lunar month will be your key to better tomatoes and a sterling radish crop. An astrophysicist will include your recent experiences in a book about unexplained circumstances.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): In a stunning reversal at the wardrobe competition on the Fish Creek Convention Center floor, your new flannel ensemble will take first place. Be prepared to model the new dungarees you fashioned from seaweed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will bake a better cake as evidenced by a meteor shower taking place over your veggie garden. Count to 47 before changing the flavor of your next pie and be sure to have your garbage container out three days early.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The unusual vehicle parked on the grass in front of your home will be there only until Jupiter is back in orbit. You will receive a signal from a French horn plus two quarts of blackberries when the coast is clear.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A surprise awaits. When the concrete truck backs out of your flower garden, you will discover a written apology from Donald Trump for all those annoying phone calls. Remember to call your dry cleaner frequently.