Article posted Wednesday, November 10, 2010 4:41pm

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Flashing lights from space will be your guide as you step into a new phase. Hang up when Donald Trump calls and insists on extra olives with your vodka martini. History will mark this time and place and your every advance in life.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your wardrobe will no longer hinder you as new vibrations from the heavens indicate the future has no limitations. Consider giving the boot to your significant other and adopting a cat. The Jell-O salad with pretzels is one of your best ideas.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This moment in the lunar calendar has great significance for you. Contact the nearest post office for information. Additional data is nailed to a tree in the Ellison Bay Nature Preserve.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A strong celestial current will bring the good news that you have been accepted at the culinary class for advanced booyah preparation. Respond promptly as this offer will not be repeated.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your revised horoscope calls for you to discontinue all efforts to start a Ku Klux Klan chapter in northern Door County. Instead, take up writing your memoirs and subscribe to publications printed in Mandarin Chinese.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): During this critical period, be aware of conditions in the area of Saturn and also take evasive action at the Egg Harbor municipal dock where the Navy is conducting anti-submarine exercises.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The tall, dark man at the bus station holds vital messages for you that failed to come in on your Blackberry. Among them is a bulletin that suggests you set fire to your current wardrobe and try the new polyester look that is sweeping Door County.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Take charge in this lunar cycle. Great accomplishments are just moments away as you assert yourself and order your Caesar salad with anchovies and mayonnaise. Give your pharmacist a hug most weekends.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Dramatic circumstances that have stood in your way will be neutralized by cosmic forces from outer space clearing the path for your plan to create harmony among the warring forces of upper and lower Door County.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Do not allow your dreams to be collapsed by the forces of evil. You will gain strength as the stars send energy into your life. You will rise to every challenge including a low battery in your phone.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): This celestial period is critical and every effort should be made to avoid left turns and improperly cooked vegetables. Your life will see a dramatic upswing and your in-laws have cancelled their imminent two-week stay and will instead go to Florida.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your horoscope has been plagiarized by unauthorized forces, but signals from Jupiter indicate that you should proceed with your plan to save the garlic mustard plant from extinction and also return your neighbor’s leaf blower.