Article posted Tuesday, February 1, 2011 4:00pm

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Law enforcement officials will seek your advice in the days ahead but you should just be your usual candid self and tell them that you don’t know where your Uncle Billy is hiding.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Phases of the constellation Orion contain information that only you can decipher. Borrow a goose down overcoat and set up your chaise lounge for viewing south. On cloudy nights, watch Dancing With the Stars re-runs or thaw out your boots from the last clear night.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Nothing will stop you in the month ahead and you will succeed in all aspects of life with the possible exception of the 1995 Buick in your driveway that won’t start in temps under 55°.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A secret message for you will be discovered. Disregard all prior signals as false clues. You will know the genuine sign by observing your toaster oven and a different color of smoke when you toast bagels.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Cell phone static is not coming from Saturn. Stop wearing those polyester plaid pants for two weeks or get a cologne that is not sold by the half-gallon as remedies. If these fail, wear something other than combat boots which are loaded with metal.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A Victorian romance is in your future, complete with a set of Jane Austen novels and a plate of crumpets. Read the bulletin board at the nearest vocational school for a list of people likely to excel in your field.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your destiny is in sharp focus this month. Seize the moment to move up on the waiting list for Extreme Makeover. Discontinue all attempts to contact Donald Trump.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A celestial outburst signals that you are in position to challenge Paris Hilton for low voltage person of the period. Take large strides when you are in Egg Harbor.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): See your situation in the light of Saturn and pay those parking tickets promptly. A large package on your front porch may be the clothes you previously gave to Goodwill.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Good news is yours. Yoga pants will fit you, without alteration. Accept any offer from your lawyer that will reduce his fee and remember that he agreed to drive you to the parole office.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): American Idol will be calling in this celestial period. Unfortunately, so will your cousin who wants to stay with you while salmon fishing in Clark Lake.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): As the moon wanes this month take up Texas nine-card poker and enter the Carlsville winner-take-all contest. You will be an instant success at this new endeavor and can win more than your take home from Baileys Harbor bingo.