Article posted Thursday, February 17, 2011 10:22am

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Good news. Both your broker and your lawyer have been indicted and the relatives, due to arrive for a month’s stay have been delayed due to weather conditions. Purple and orange will be the right colors for you this season.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): More comets in the northern skies signal to you that the static on your cell phone will come to an end. Be sure to pay those past-due charges this month and find tranquility as the moon waxes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A large burst of energy will propel you through all current difficulties. Discard those bellbottom trousers in favor of parachute pants and disregard all blogs concerning your attire.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your time to soar is just ahead but do not launch yourself or any member of your family from the Peninsula Park tower until the Chinese-made parachutes have been re-tested.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Keep focused on Saturn as it revolves around Valmy. Upon completion of its tenth orbit, call your bookie and double up on your bet for the mayoral race in Chicago. If a person with a heavy accent answers, hang up.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will experience rising confidence despite having your application to get on the Chicago mayoral ballot rejected. Find nourishment in alternative Jell-O flavors and remain firm.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A slight adjustment in your celestial direction will produce fantastic results. Drop all activities at once and concentrate on removing snow from your front steps before it turns to ice.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Cosmic circumstances indicate that your musical score for Lady Gaga’s next road show will be the talk of eastern Door County. More good news will be on your doorstep soon.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Keep focused on all astrological signs that end with the letter P. This month, check all your canned tomatoes and return those phone messages from the governor.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your horoscope for the February to March celestial period has been clouded with uncertainty, which may be due to faulty batteries. Until clarity returns, stay in touch with your local palm reader.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Due to tides higher than usual, do not meditate on the frozen bay shore. Instead, start a small fire carefully in the nearest cornfield and send smoke signals to concerned relatives in Forestville.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your best month is just ahead. The stars say those disparaging remarks about your wardrobe will end and your missing combat boots will be located. In addition, your collection of cereal box tops did not burn in the recent fire.