Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This your horoscopic moment and nothing should stand in your way. Start by shoveling out your driveway and get the weights on your cuckoo clock adjusted for daylight savings time.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Be mindful of your every move in this celestial moment and pay particular attention to 1990-2000 era Buicks in crowded parking lots. Cancel any cosmetic applications that may cause your dog to have restless nights.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Good news this month. Your musical score for accordion and bass drum will be played at the Algoma Performing Arts Center very soon. You will hear from your attorney concerning the copyright infringement.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The large explosion from the direction of Baileys Harbor was not the signal that you should start your oven for the big celebration dinner. This signal will be a text message on your cell phone from someone who spells worse than you.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You are about to experience the voyage of your life. Strap down all the loose ends that have impeded your journey, including the hood of the family Buick and prepare for a startling adventure that will surpass that call from the IRS office.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Outer space is calling you. Take this opportunity to straighten out your life and end those bad habits. Take longer walks and put your shopping cart in the rack next time.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): As Venus shines brightly this period, confusion in your existence unfolds for you. Use cool iron on your polyester costume but discard the flamingo accessories.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Take no chances and concentrate on your left turns. Exciting events will lie just ahead and the dry cleaner will call to advise that all those stains will come out of your Lady Gaga look-a-like ensemble.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your destiny will take a sharp turn for the better. It can be further advanced by taking charge of your diet and adding eggplant to your favorite casserole. Lay off the spuds and cut it to one six-pack a day for the next two months.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Conflict between your favorite blog and certain celestial signals will be resolved for you by your palmist who will be back at her table in five days. Call your dentist daily until the equinox.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Consider all possibilities in your quest to have a front row seat at extreme makeover. Your attitude must be upbeat and it will help greatly if you change your bell bottoms for parachute pants.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Spectacular pulsations from outer space will be directed towards you as you seek recognition of your new recipe for weight conscious persons. Low calorie lard is the key and you hold it.