Aries (March 21 – April 19): Be prepared for a change of your astrological sign in the celestial period to follow the eclipse of Saturn and Mars on the same night. A 13th sequence will join the 12 symbols and cause disharmony. Remain alert.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Trauma is ahead. Write your astrological sign in stone to safeguard it, as strong forces will attempt to dislidge this treasured sign and replace it with a synthetic symbol. You must stand firm in this critical time.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You will inherit a substantial pile of worn out automobile parts from the estate of your wealthy uncle. This will be the catalyst for you to launch a new career in space exploration.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): As Venus shines more brightly, your composition for flute and bass drum will be performed for all Door County high schools this spring at prom night festivities. Your dentist will accompany you at these locations on the accordian.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): An outstanding opportunity is within your grasp this period. Take note that your star and Neptune have aligned signifying that you should enter the John Wayne Talent Contest for a first place position. Nothing can stop your ascent to the stage.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Vibrations in your car’s engine are not the astrological sign you were told to watch for in last month’s horoscope. Remain alert and check the message board at the nearest Amtrak station. Another possible signal could come from Post-It notes placed on your snowmobile.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will be recognized this celestial period. Despair will be lifted from your shoulders and so will your purse if you leave it draped over your barstool while you shoot pool.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This is your polyester period. Wear your 2007 wardrobe with confidence streaming down, attracted by your astrological sign and possibly by those day-glo parachute pants or your four-color tattoo. Beware of unleashed dogs.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Discard all your worries. The heavens are showing that the force is flowing in your direction. Recent signs also indicate that the possibility of an IRS audit has diminished.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): It is not magic in your forecast. The chance of your winning the lottery has improved substantially since you purchased your ticket and is now essentially the same as you reaching Pluto in a rowboat.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Advice reaching you in this cosmic frame of your future strongly suggests that you do not fill the remaining empty space on your left shoulder with additional tattoos. Instead, take up quilting and collect aluminum cans on Highway 57.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You have nearly reached your goal. Take strength from the celestial positions of significant stars, throw off the yoke you carried these past 16 seasons of sorrow and get the Botox treatment you deserve. Remember that your dry cleaner works hard to get those spots out.