Article posted Wednesday, May 11, 2011 2:39pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your appearance on Facebook will stun hordes. But, pay no heed to the naysayers; this is a great time to use your face to read a book for the first time in your life.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): It’s ok to pretend you are a smelly old goat.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Placing a $25 bet on your outfit looking terrible tomorrow is a wise wager.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Although warm weather will arrive soon, this is no time to slack on your broomball training. The 2012 Hilander Cup will only be yours if you maintain a rigorous practice schedule.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A fly-swatter will become lodged in your garbage disposal during a dinner party. The fly, however, will escape unscathed.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Spend Tuesday whale watching on Lake Michigan.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A hand-carved lighthouse will bring you to tears with its beauty. It is likely that the seagull figurine on your mantle will soon be replaced.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The more Benjamin Franklin-esque you can be this week the better, as your kite is in need of some electrifying.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Plant a few flowers in your garden before Memorial Day and they will likely survive until at least Fyr Bal.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The only way to get ahead at the DMV next Thursday is to strike a pose.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): With the question of Obama’s citizenship out of the way, you can now return your attention to whether or not that neighbor is an alien from Mars.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Thou shalt not catch any fish unless thou casts thy line in water. Remember this before you begin your daily pouting regimen.