Article posted Wednesday, May 25, 2011 3:52pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): In the approaching celestial circumstance there will be evidence that your inner strength will increase and that you can once again stand up to your critics and detractors.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Call your palm reader to verify that the long lost love of your life will re-enter in the third cycle of Venus as it obscures Neptune. Do not hesitate to check his bank balance as things are not always what they seem to be.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Great balls of fire circulating over the hood of your improperly performing car will signal a return of your relatives from Illinois. This can be explained by better weather here or bad karma from the flatlands near Decatur.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will soon receive the inheritance that has been delayed. Take advantage of this situation and take those snow tires from the settlement to a local dealer who will swap them for a new muffler on your aging Buick.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Be aware, in this celestial season, that imposters are everywhere, clutch your handbag in all situations and determine who are your true friends. There will be a reckoning but you should avoid it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A pulsar, from the direction of Virgo the Strong, suggests that your latest wardrobe is a success and that ridicule will no longer be your companion. Improve on this moment by chucking the polyester parachute pants.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Take strength from the aligned positions of Mercury, Venus and Altus Flaximus. Your destiny can be determined and your Uncle Horace will move out to be better located near the welfare office in Green Bay.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There will be continued attempts to introduce a thirteenth astrological sign into the revered 12 symbol system that has guided us all for centuries. Resist. Resist with all your strength. Be sure to call your broker, as well.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your future will become brighter with the lunar eclipse and all questions will be answered. Seek shelter from the inevitable meteor shower. Consult no one until you see the next full moon.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): These are essential moments. Your destiny will be controlled by two opposing forces which will try to pull you into one or the other hemisphere. Take refuge in a nearby dispensary of budget vodka.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Sensations that only you can detect will be your guide in the cosmic climax that is on the horizon. The tall, dark stranger in line at the bus station is not from the CIA as your astrological sign will confirm.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You and the planet Pluto will control your destiny and in this interstellar moment, even your dog will respond. Seize this situation firmly and call your dentist to schedule the procedure you have been avoiding.