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Article posted Thursday, July 7, 2011 4:58pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Disregard any messages that you receive this period from Benjamin Franklin. Your next great adventure will follow these bogus communications and you will be pleased by the behavior of your dog and some of your relatives.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Large packages that will appear on your doorstep are not the new ensembles that you have been hoping will spruce up your dismal wardrobe. These packages contain the uncounted census bureau reports for Utah, Nebraska and West Jacksonport which the government would like you to tabulate. Do your nation a service instead of hanging out all day at Fred and Fuzzy’s.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Transmission of your horoscope has been delayed in this celestial moment by faulty connections near Saturn leading to static near Valmy. Seek the nearest palm reader to guide you through this disturbing period in your otherwise jovial existence.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will be visited by three spirits in the days ahead. There may be some confusion that these are Dickens characters but your local soothsayer should help you choose the right course of action. Avoid the man behind the curtain and do not accept the first offer you receive for your memoirs. Purple is your color in this season.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A strange light in the direction of Ellison Bay is your signal to put your plans into convincing action. First, start by burning all the parts of your wardrobe that even Scand won’t take and throw out that sofa that the dog sleeps on. You will be astounded by these firm steps and this may put some zip in your social future such as it is.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Do not accept the chairmanship of the local political group during these confusing and suspicious times. You will lead others, as you have always done but now is the time to let the astrological signs guide you past Carlsville and other temptations. Discontinue your attempts to contact Donald Trump until you finish pulling the garlic mustard in your yard.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Signals from outer space directed towards you have been diverted by your internet provider who is attempting to sell you a higher speed program which will bring in video of the Arkansas state wrestling championships. Be advised that you can get these and many other wrestling programs on a flat screen at Husby’s without the up-charge.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Have you been distressed this past horoscopic period? Be advised, be challenged, be brightened by the future which can be viewed in the heavens just left of the constellation Ultra Bogusus. Remember to pick up your dry cleaning and stop parking your 1994 Buick in the handicapped spot. It may be a wreck but there’s nothing wrong with you to merit that slot.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The past is past. In this current celestial sequence your inner strength will boost you into the big social bracket that has escaped you. It would also be a plus if you got rid of those parachute pants that are four sizes too big and took more frequent showers. Meteor showers are not a good substitute for soap.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your horoscope has been distorted this period by sinister forces but you now know the path to victory in your trials and tribulations. Be alert. New signals are arriving daily from your guiding star and your palm reader is also back in her tent ready to assist you. The new you is ready to burst forth and those little green men will go away.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A sensational welcome is waiting for you when you return to your hometown for your re-union and spiritual recovery. Greet all who will be at the bus station and remember that your former pal still owes you 50 bucks. Do not lose sight of Venus and Saturn in this delicate time and look to Elmer Gantry as well.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your astrologic signs are favorable. Your health will improve this period. Your financial mess will correct itself. The car will start. The cat will quit whining and even your pants and top will match for once. This is your forecast and the stars are telling you to move forward into broad, sunlit uplands. Don’t blow it this time.