Article posted Wednesday, July 13, 2011 2:01pm

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): For you Cancer, all we can say is: more meowing, less growling and please trim your nails.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You tend to be a little forgetful when it comes to birthdays, but you excel in remembering when people owe you money. Consider it a wash.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The only thing better than that hole in one you got is a WHOLE (doughnut) in TWO (bites). Mmm hmm.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A pig, or perhaps a salamander, will play a major hand in your fate moments after the roller skates are strapped on.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The special part of being friends with you is that you are “special.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The key to your heart is resting somewhere on the bottom of Lake Michigan – but with some luck the water levels will begin receding again and you’ll eventually be able to retrieve your prospects for eternal bliss.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Air travel is poorly starred for you, but you’ve got the all clear for both mind travel and time travel. Bon voyage.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Wearing a baseball hat sideways this week will make you a magnet for drifter types. You’re going to be so sorry you didn’t start wearing it that way sooner!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): If you give your uncle a big, big bear hug, his aftershave might just rub off on you and then you’ll know it’s going to be a super-duper day!

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Although that Alanis Morissette song still has you confused as to what it means to be “ironical,” you are nonetheless soulfully happy to not be.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Muscle shirts should only be worn if you have muscles. Note that you do not have them.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your lucky coffee drink this week is a double short skim mocha latte with a heaping tablespoon of whipped cream, a dollop of chocolate syrup, and approximately 265 particles of cinnamon powder. It’ll be even luckier if it’s served in a paper cup with a light green pattern on the outside and a slightly used java jacket with a penny-sized stain near the seam.