Article posted Thursday, September 1, 2011 9:41am

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): ‘Mischievous’ Mars will remind you this month of a saying that your grandfather used to have, which went something like this: “A slap is as good as a tickle.” Beware of using this phrase before the 14th, and afterwards only use it in the presence of pets or people with whom you have a purely sexual relationship.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): An assistant manager in a hardware store will give you advice that he knows to be wrong on the 20th as he is desperate to urinate.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Short flights, including jumping, are dimly starred until the 16th.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Beware barbeque type family gatherings. Cheese filled meats will provide moments of uncertainty during the month, especially when offered by ageing relatives who never read the best before date. Squeeze, carefully, the offered morsel, before putting it in your mouth. Beware of over-squeezing, and ensure a napkin is on hand at all times to mop the cheezy filling from your hand and clothing following any hot dog based explosion.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Animals wearing jingly bells on their collars look set to start this month off in a pleasantly uncomplicated way.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A moment of 1970s boy band-Osmond Brother-based nostalgia will excite your interest in white all-in-one suits with colored lapels. Play it safe, and bring a buddy along on any formalwear shopping ventures.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Creative thoughts of a before untried workout combination involving tai chi and an ultra intense form of the hokey pokey, will lay heavily on your thoughts throughout the month. Give in to your initial skepticism and make plans for a DVD release. Be quick to market it, or something else could be the next big thing!

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Raw apples, lemons, cherries, strawberries, but not rhubarb, are out of favor with the planets. Conversely, pies or cakes made out of these fruits, either when eaten or applied to the skin, are well starred, offering the chance to multiply your prosperity either in financial, spiritual or in weight-gain terms.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A new baby, or a wild animal that likes nothing better than to scream at the top of its high, screechy range is about to enter your life in the most unexpected of ways. Stock up on baby gear and dried animal pellets.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You foolishly assume that the fireworks are over and done with for this year, but the joke is on you. Static electricity will cause you to have one of the worst hair days for a while on 7th.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Fortune readings will be only 13% accurate throughout the month. Ensure to cross-examine any clearly vague predictions demanding dates, times and colors.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The debut of yet another season of The Real World has prompted you to stop being polite and start getting real. But alas, your sudden change in behavior has not awakened the media’s interest in your petty little life.