Article posted Thursday, September 15, 2011 11:10am

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A cantankerous old man has you in his sights – you are blamed for an incident which left him wobbly at a supermarket or mini golf course around the 17th. You will be surprised by the vehemence of the old geezer’s determination to do you harm. If necessary, go for his cane and try to leave no marks.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Happy birthday Libra! Alas, an equinox on Uranus is set to make your celebration awkward. Try to avoid kissing strangers at all costs. In the event of an unwelcome peck, rub liberal amounts of tomato juice into the affected area.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): ‘Mischievous’ Mars will remind you this month of a saying that your grandfather used to have, which went something like this: “A slap is as good as a tickle.” Beware of using this phrase before the 14th, and afterwards only use it in the presence of pets or people with whom you have a purely sexual relationship.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): An argument involving a co-worker will be best handled before your daily medication on the 19th.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A contract which gave Microsoft rights over all creative work authored by you while using their software (which you agreed to when you clicked “Agree” without reading all of the clauses when installing their software) is set to reduce your income this month by over a third.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Milk bearing mammals will affect your driving pattern on more than two occasions after the 18th. Ensure enough moist towelettes are on hand for emergencies.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A secret wish you made at some earlier point in your life is set to come true this month. Unfortunately, you’ve since completely changed your moral code, and this is set to be a most embarrassing incident.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Given the choice between the moods ‘blissfully happy’ and ‘intensely morose,’ choose the latter for reasons that will become completely apparent around the 23rd.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The days of skin baring fashions are still upon us, and you’re once again feeling more than a little tubby. This month you’ll decide on an exercise regime you have intended for years. Use this month to mentally prepare your body for the exertion by imagining your workout pattern. This should appease your body loathing. You’ll be contentedly cocooned in those jumbo sweaters again before you know it!

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A hang-up you have about handlebar mustaches is set to be vindicated after all these years. You will realize you have been right all along. Well done.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): A minor choking episode around the 17th could lead to a side-splitting, sitcom like chain of events that is set to reach “Three’s Company” levels of entertainment.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): The unveiling of a stylish new beauty salon will entice you around the 27th, but with dreadful consequence. An ageing manicurist will challenge you to an arm wrestle following a moment of unintended rudeness during work on your cuticles. Go for the quick slam to start with, in the hope that the woman is a late starter.