Article posted Thursday, October 6, 2011 10:11am

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You are about as graceful as a burlap-clad three-legged racer, but you make up for your clumsiness by keeping a very tidy silverware drawer.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): It’s only been a three-year drought, but you’re bound to reap the fruits of the harvest soon. Celebrate your luck with a pair of warm cozy socks.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Clean your hair – immediately and with vigor. Your claim that “you only need to do it every few weeks or so” is raising flags at the Public Health Department’s Division of Personal Hygiene and Fashion Consciousness.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): If you’re having trouble expressing yourself, the stars recommend you tell your story with the help of Play Dough – particularly if your trauma involves snakes, round balls, or oddly-shaped lumps.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): There’s only one way to find out if you should have gone left at the fork in the road, and that is by revisiting the location and making the alternative selection. Unfortunately, this time you will be forced to wonder if you should have gone right.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): If you could stop licking people and barking everyone would tremendously appreciate it. Your cuteness and that wagging tail just aren’t cutting it anymore.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Although you’ve always wanted to be a train conductor, an ace pilot or an astronaut, it seems your aptitudes fall more along the lines of a telemarketer. Do not allow this fact to restrict your use of costumes in the workplace.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Although you are modest, diligent, and intellectual, you are about to embark on a frenzied five minutes of unabashed, completely idiotic behavior that will be discussed passionately for decades.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your urge to dance will only be tempered by your consumption of turkey in coming weeks.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your lucky toiletry this week is deodorant. Apply liberally and frequently to ensure pleasant elevator rides for all.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): It’s true your shower picked a bad time of year to stop working, but that still doesn’t explain your unwillingness to use it when in perfect working order. Use these next months to tweak your repertoire of excuses.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A bizarre incident, occurring in the meat section of your local grocery store, is set to positively change your opinion of both cosmetic surgery and the ethics of fur clothing.