Article posted Thursday, October 27, 2011 10:15am

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Be wary of celebrating your birthday with clowns and a cake. Also, instead of a scoopful of ice cream, try a scoopful of sorrow at the passing of another year.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): An unraveling romance, or perhaps a container of floss, will affect both your blood pressure and patience for tedious tasks. Stave off feelings of frustration through this rough patch; things are looking up for next week.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You will one day look back at today’s fiasco with a smile, a chuckle, and a true sense of wonder about what happened to that strange little Romanian gymnast after she stopped swearing, burned her leotards, and left town cackling.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A lively game of bocce ball tomorrow will conclusively determine just how bad it hurts when you are checked by one on your funny bone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your lucky phrase this week is “Oh, for sure!” Say it passionately and often, regardless of how appropriate it may or not be in the moment.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A canoe trip, or perhaps an eyebrow waxing, will expose you to an adventure most likely involving both mild discomfort and a new scout badge.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It’s time to take that relationship to the next level by upgrading from “going with” to “going steady.” Assuming all goes well, you should be pinned in about three to five years.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A trail of bread crumbs will be a good idea at some point in the coming months, probably on or about Halloween eve.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): While it’s true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, perhaps you should consider whether you even want your doctor to stay away. In light of your legendary clumsiness, the policy deserves some serious re-thinking.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Hatred is an investment in the opposite of affection. Choose your path wisely and your yields will be high.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A new hobby will bring unintended consequences as you suddenly find yourself yodeling at a convention for identical twins. Roll with it and you’ll be just fine.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Sometime before sundown, find a cave to hide in that’s far from the villagers.