Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A fragrance similar to leftover Jell-O and barbeque sauce will have you Scorpios turning heads all around town this month.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your lucky carbohydrate-rich food this week is the cheese curd. Unfortunately, your unlucky health issue next week will be lactose intolerance. The odds are yours to play.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Whatever you do, do not throw away the fish unless it asks you nicely.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Although you are feeling frisky, it is a time for patience. Curb your wild tendencies and you will save yourself from both a repeat of last week’s embarrassing blithering and a sizable dry cleaning bill.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A charming prince with a white horse will not be appearing this week, but you may pass a dairy farmer on a tractor along the road somewhere. It’s unclear what exactly you should read into the event, but it probably has something to do with the refrigerated section of your local grocery store.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your ravishing good looks are surpassed only by your sharp wit and amiable nature. Use these assets to advance your career before your inability to reason and infrequent flossing habits are discovered.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your next trip to the restroom shall yield awe and wonder of yet unknown dimensions.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A handshake and a wink will go miles to secure a deal on your next vehicle. As an unintended consequence, however, you may end up on a date with the toothless, hairy, slightly-odiferous seller of your new sweet ride.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your omnivorous tendencies will rise to the surface this week when you eat a plastic pen and the electric bill to the bewilderment of those around you.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your nerve-wracking quest to get the toothpaste back into the tube is set to test both the limits of your sanity and the extent of the tube-inventor’s cruelty.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Something sticky will wreak havoc on the bottom of your shoe, but do not be disheartened. Instead, focus on the bright side: at least you have a shoe on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Like a sturdy pine, you will withstand tribulations in the coming weeks with both courage and resiliency. Unfortunately, you might also acquire a rash from sap.