Article posted Monday, December 19, 2011 12:05pm

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The diplomatic skills and shrewdness you possess will get you what you want. It’s your lack of scruples that will take it all away.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Blocking the aisle in the store and chatting with everyone you know is not a good idea this month. There is a group that’s ready to put you in the cooler and you won’t be found until the Christmas hams run low.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You are generous and enthusiastic. However, you are enthusiastically generous with other people’s stuff. Start lending out your own stuff. Most likely it was someone else’s to begin with anyway. What goes around comes around.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Since you’re still not getting any help with the laundry go buy a red t-shirt. Put it in with all the whites. You’ll get lots of offers to help with the laundry real soon!

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are good at using specifics and not being evasive when people direct questions at you. Learn to be a bit more vague for prosperity sake.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It’s time to start wearing more clothing. Your belly button ring is tarnished and that black stain is repulsive.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Start keeping a journal this month. You have so much to say, and it doesn’t matter if you can never find a pen that works.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You’ve had a tough time being honest lately. Spend some time with a three-year-old to hone those skills you’re lacking.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Cultivate your intuitive powers as they are truly a natural resource. They won’t get you to work and back, nor heat your home, but it’s good to know that ahead of time.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Your overactive nervous system is not under control. Get yourself a set of acrylic nails and bite on those instead.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You are happiest when you have a project. Start as many as you can this month as you won’t have money for a social life anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): People under this sign tend to be great teachers. The problem is they can’t tell us why.