Article posted Thursday, February 16, 2012 10:12am

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Finances, schminances. There’s a reason someone coined the phrase “buy now, pay later.” That’s right, pal, you can just pay later. Or never. You could just pay never.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A troubling and veiled situation continues to plague the health of your mind and body. The sooner you identify the source of the conflict, the sooner you can get on with the other, more readily identifiable behaviors and circumstances that plague your mind and body.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): People, like plants, need water and sunlight to survive. You’ve got the first one covered, but searching for and absorbing sunlight will be a bit trickier – especially when you realize that the sun shining on TV doesn’t actually count. Good luck getting your UV rays…you’ll need it!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Shake things up a bit, especially condiments and snow globes. Oh, and stop thinking that everything has a metaphorical meaning.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Too much time on the cell phone lately? There’s a simple solution: THROW YOUR CELL PHONE AWAY. Humanity survived for eons without handheld digital devices, you will too.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Like a jackhammer in the night, the sound of your voice is inflicting unparalleled torture on your friends, family, and coworkers. If limiting your vocal output proves too challenging to mitigate, make friends with fallen trees in the woods and let time-honored philosophical ponderings do the talking for you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Once again, your two inner halves are entangled in an irksome game of cats. Break the tie by devising a compromise that will suit both of your personalities – maybe you can get along with yourself after all.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Embrace the genius of simplicity. If this seems silly, just think of the guy who invented the paper clip; at this moment, he is probably lying on a beach somewhere, counting his cash, and laughing hysterically at the rest of us working fools.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): “Barcelona,” “appendectomy,” and “unskilled nurse” are three terms that mean absolutely nothing to you now, but sure will soon.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): It’s nice having a place to hang your hat and rest your head…now if you could just put your shoes away, do the laundry, and clean your mess in the kitchen you’d really have something to brag about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Wear more hot pink – not because it looks good, but because you’re the kind of person who can never have too much attention. If someone comments on your un-Wisconsinly wardrobe, pretend to faint.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your recent birthday has left you in a tailspin wondering just where the time has gone. The answer to your question is: Guam. The time has gone to Guam.