Article posted Thursday, March 15, 2012 2:58pm

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You may be offered a large plot of land in a very near future. All of the celestial signals have forecast this fortuitous gesture on the part of the nuclear waste depository commission. Call your relatives with the good news.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The past is behind you and now it is certain, as shown by the position of Jupiter overshadowing the bright lights of the Egg Harbor Naval Air Station, that your application to be queen for a day on local television is assured.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A chance encounter with a famous person will occur. You should take all essential steps to insure the success of this meeting. Burn your entire wardrobe or leave it at Scand after dark. Avoid being seen with your close friends who dress the same as you do.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This month, with your astrological sign in the foreground, seize every minute to prepare for a monumental moment. This should not be construed as a suggestion to have your astro-sign tattooed on your forehead. Save that space for winning lotto numbers.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Your house pet may be in a state of molting this cosmic time in your otherwise exceedingly dull month of March. Do not accept this as your fate. The stars tell a different story and you will play a major role in the months ahead.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Ask yourself in this celestial moment if your vital signs correspond with the stars. Neptune can hold off the evil forces for only three additional time periods, so now is the time to re-finance your credit cards.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You will be tested this month. A drive through Peninsula State Park at mid-day will help defeat the despair that wants to envelop you. Call your plumber for re-assurance and breath normally.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Take charge. There is no time like this moment to get a firm grip on your life and the steering wheel of your Buick. If all else fails, you can always be in touch with your rich relatives who can’t avoid you forever.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Is your life a bigger mess than it was the last time you maxed out on your credit card? Your banker is still a steady rock, but he would like you to be in a similar position in the financial situation of your future.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Great balls of fire to the south are not an astrological sign. It is your neighbor using gasoline instead of lighter fluid so there is no need for anxious moments unless he moves the grill closer to your back porch.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Will Jupiter move to the east in your view of the heavens? Be alert to additional signals and do not be distracted as this is not an IRS audit. Should the Wisconsin Lottery Board call, that will be a different scenario.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A cosmic catastrophe currently causing your cat to give you the fish eye is no reason for you to abandon your plan to lose weight. Consider corn flakes instead of your customary bratwurst with a bratwurst side dish.