Article posted Wednesday, April 11, 2012 2:21pm

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If you have just one day off, make sure to fill it with as much couch potato action as possible. The Hallmark Channel and Lifetime Movie Network are a great place to start.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your email inbox will spiral out of control Monday, heralding the sure sign of the apocalypse. Combat this problem by driving directly to Oneida and wagering the number of emails in your inbox on the craps table.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Start planning your summer camping trip now with the exception of the shish kabob vegetables. The biting flies and mosquitos are sure to be especially ferocious, so stock up on citronella candles, lotions and potions.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): It is advised to buy three, $3 scratch off lottery tickets on the 30th of the month. Be sure to use three different pennies from the year 1980 to scratch off each ticket; otherwise, you might as well buy three stalks of wilted celery from the produce section.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A wave will wash over you and add a little spice – or actually salt – to your daily routine. Don’t forget to pack your bikini and sunscreen.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Labels on each item in your kitchen will help reorganize your shelves. If you’re lucky, it will help get your crazy hairstyle under control as well.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Cardinal red is your lucky color. If it’s not an immediate option, vie for Robin’s egg blue.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A little lamb will cross your path in the near future. No matter how much you are tempted, don’t call the owner Mary. He’s sure to get very, very angry.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Bust your butt ‘til midnight for the next 30 days to finally finish that great American Novel you’ve been talking about. Your story may not have much of a plot, but at least the characters will provide you with new friends.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Make sure to insert a note in the memo line of your check to categorize where exactly you’re wasting all of your dollars. At the end of the fiscal year, it will be enlightening to know how many times a month you purchase Funyuns from the gas station.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): That sticky substance on your refrigerator door handle is just a sign of things to come. Avoid eating mustard, as it may stain not just your t-shirt but also your life.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The poster for the pole dancing lessons should not be ignored. Do not take another step until you sign up for the class or else a watermelon will fall on your head.