Article posted Wednesday, May 23, 2012 3:48pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Popcorn and M&Ms do not a dinner make. If you want to feel like garbage feel free to keep tossing those bad boys back, but if you’d like a little longer look at reality, try something naturally green.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will be faced with a daunting choice in the near future. Make sure to practice your decision-making skills at every opportunity. Make sure there’s not a second of hesitation the next time you’re asked, “Paper or plastic?”

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your brain is like a Crockpot. It simmers slowly to come up with something hearty and worthwhile.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Don’t keep trying to defend Donald Driver’s wardrobe choices. It’s a lackluster pursuit. Instead, keep trying to imitate his dazzling smile.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): There are 26 reasons why your birthday party will be fantastic this year. Start stocking up on cake, candles and ice cream and start making your guest list – you don’t want to forget lucky number 26 in your seating chart.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): The crossing of Venus with the Sun’s path will signify the crossing of a lady into your life. Don’t be alarmed by the glare, she’s sure to be a bit shocking at first but will mellow with time.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): If you ordered Chinese food tonight, your fortune cookie would reiterate the fact: You just need to chill. Everything will be alright.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): There are a dozen rain clouds about to rain on your parade. Break out the Hefty bags to deter the drops from soaking your spirits.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): A ruggedly handsome stranger will serve you a drink on the Tuesday after next. Try to mark the day on the calendar and remember not to order milk in case you end up spilling it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Your rusty Chevy has seen its better days, but has it seen its better nights? Get out there and enjoy the open road before it’s too late – or, actually, while it’s late.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The highlight of your week will be when your yellow highlighter explodes all over your hand. Next week will be better.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): By pairing a billowy, sequined top with an electric-colored pair of skinny jeans you are encouraging the spectacle that will ensue. Try a more subdued ensemble to mirror your mood and your outlook on life.