Article posted Tuesday, July 3, 2012 9:51am

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): If you experience turbulence while visiting your palm reader, contact your plumber and do not discount his advice. This may include a warning that only you can decipher and only during the waxing moon cycle. Stay poised!

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Vigilance is the watchword and courage is your staunch friend. Your journey will be long but fruitful. Continue to burn selective parts of your wardrobe and admit nothing which would cause anyone to think you wore those clothes.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A celestial storm is brewing. Seek shelter from cosmic forces and be sure to keep those final appointments with your parole officer who will point out the pitfalls of visiting Illinois. Yellow and crimson look best on you at this time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You will be the first to recognize that next month’s lottery can be your solution to the pickle you have created. Odd numbers are your strategy but all guarantees are void if the planets Venus, Neptune and Grabowski change orbits.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): An imposter will attempt to contact you this horoscopic period. You will recognize the person as the same individual who was attempting to sell you the Ephraim Wetlands last year. Consider carefully. The Maple Street Bridge in Sturgeon Bay may be a better opportunity.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Watch the sky. When the moon is full and strong winds from Valmy push aside the cloud cover, gaze upwards for a signal. Avoid those who claim to be friends but are suspiciously attempting to receive that signal which is meant only for you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Awareness must be your motto as the galaxy braces itself for another political election. Disregard unsolicited advice from relatives and enter the U.S. Senate race as the candidate from outer space. Everyone will be attracted to your campaign of complete falsehoods.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Good news awaits but you must first seize the cosmic moment. Star positions will be critical and you should increase your shower routine to two per week, with soap. It would be helpful to your career aspirations if you also took your car to the Econo-wash this year.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You are moving up on the charts and, if a few more people cancel or are eliminated, you will be dancing with the stars in the parking lot across from the studio by 2027. Get rid of those polyester parachute pants in preparation and brush up on the polka step.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Grand illusions will replace that bogus advice you received from the tea leaves lady. Keep your cell phone charged for a call from Donald Trump’s former landlord who has information on the person who left three used tires and a Chevrolet truck bumper on your lawn.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Venus is now in position to reach your front porch with acute vibrations that only you and your faithful Bassett Hound can detect. You will feel strength flowing to do what must be done and this includes the New Year’s resolution to drop 20 which is now up to 24.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your quest to become Door County’s first cymbal player to strike the instrument with the leg of a bar stool will be fulfilled according to every astrological sign available in this celestial moment. Choose wisely when asked to sample the 2012 dandelion wine.