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Article posted Wednesday, August 8, 2012 10:12am

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will soon meet an international swindler wearing a pin stripe suit and a pinkie ring. Do not buy the Sturgeon Bay High School buildings from this man despite his extremely low price. Insist that he include the adjacent fairgrounds in this package or look for better local opportunities.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Take charge of your life in this critical period. Saturn and Mars will only be favorably positioned for thirty-one additional years so time is critical and your astrologer is considering a career in gold and silver. Change your t-shirt again this month.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): The cosmos will signal that better weather will accompany your voyage to Dykesville. There you will find the trombone parts which have hindered your return to the performing stage. Act quickly as rising bay levels will limit all activity.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): There will be nine warning signs before you will receive the inheritance that you have not been expecting until Uncle Fester expires. Note the position of Jupiter before signing any documents that might get you into a peculiar situation.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Only you will have a life-changing experience this heavenly period. Your friends may appear to be informed but it is you alone who will feel the tremors of a galaxy in turmoil. There is no better time to realize that those parking tickets are accumulating penalty charges.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): An interstellar message received on your cellphone will be similar to notices sent by your credit card bank. Disregard both and consult the temporary tealeaf reader who is filling in for the palm reader who left for Stockton, California.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Resolve to do good deeds during this cycle of the star Pegasus which will orbit Nebraska. This is also an outstanding moment to check your lottery ticket numbers which can be found in those polyester plaid pants you wore to the wedding.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will set records. It will become official this month that you were the first person in Door County history to be seen in JJ’s Cantina of Delights in a t-shirt that had no printing of any kind on it. Be at the Amtrak station in two weeks to receive your award.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Do not waste a moment. The stars are signaling that you should apply for grants, handouts, food stamps, flood relief and benefits of all kinds. This should not prevent you from accepting two-for-one specials offered by your local law office.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The cosmos will erupt soon but will hold off until you receive the award for best yodeler at a nearby gin mill. Included in your prize will be a matching set of snare drums used by Donald Trump and autographed by Hilary Clinton.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You will soon gain the confidence to tell off that neighbor who borrowed your fertilizer spreader for sixteen months and still has your catchers mitt. Rise above this abuse by vowing to discontinue hitting golf balls against his vinyl siding.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Twelve yards of gravel will be delivered to you as Venus and Saturn exchange orbits in seven days. You will also find 34 pieces of damaged plywood leaning against your porch. Next week’s horoscope will reveal who you should thank.