Article posted Wednesday, August 15, 2012 10:44am

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You will be approached by the shifty sheriff of Nottingham. Do not buy a used car from this person unless it comes with guarantee. Plaids will suit your demeanor all this month.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Star positions signify a return of your resolve. Seize this opportunity to get your vacuum cleaner back from the neighbor who lost the pink flamingos you lent to her in 2007. Charge your cellphone more often in August.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Elvis will appear to you this celestial cycle. A chance encounter with Margaret Thatcher is also possible but that is the end of the good news due to your deplorable behavior at the Door County Fair when the livestock trampled your radish exhibit.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Dues in the amount of $775 should be paid promptly to the man who will meet you at the bus station. If you expect to get bona fide horoscopes, you must make quarterly payments. Discount coupons may be used but could result in fuzzy predictions.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Interstellar gases will dissolve in time for you to receive clear indications that your application to Dancing with the Stars will again be rejected. A possible reason may be the DVD you submitted showing those bell-bottom slacks with your name across the fanny.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Strength and fortitude will flow to you from the evening star and you will get a similar jolt in the morning when you can’t remember where you parked your car. Continue a strong relationship with your plumber who knows your every need.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You should look towards Jupiter in the late evening sky where signs are evident that you completely disregarded last month’s horoscope warnings. Now you have a tattoo on your forehead to content with and it clashes with your nose ring.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Resist temptation and seek inner strength to disobey the lottery lure. Both stars and planets predict that you will not win despite the fact that you purchased two tickets for this month’s lottery on the evening of the full moon.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A sign affixed to the Amtrak Station back wall will guide you to the sunken treasure which was formerly located in your neighbor’s veggie garden. Beware of relatives who will attempt to claim a portion of the loot.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will be selected to represent Door County in the state-wide demolition derby based on your driving citations and the condition of your 1996 Buick. Insist that the county waive your past due tickets as partial payments for your services.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): In this celestial moment put your trust in your bartender’s advice and the palm reader who advised you to buy the Ephraim Wetlands for a potential driving range. Your lawyer will call with news of a reprieve.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): This is a star-filled time. You will inherit seven polo ponies, four bales of alfalfa and a wristwatch worm by the Lone Ranger. Combine this with your newly acquired set of snow tires and the future is assured.