Article posted Wednesday, August 22, 2012 11:30am

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): A jazz quintet will startle themselves, then you, then that sad clown in the corner, resulting in a Steven King-esque moment that even he couldn’t have written.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Your lucky increment of U.S. currency this week is the quarter. Whether you are at a tollbooth or spending your hard-earned change on a jukebox, using two dimes and a nickel makes just bad cents.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Better check what you’re trashin’ this week. That foul mouth of yours is spewing a mound of garbage too big for your own curb. Be advised: a trip to the principal’s office is imminent.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): More purple. The stars have mandated you incorporate more purple into your life. This will stave off Barney fans who would otherwise question your stuffed dinosaur loyalty. The wisdom of this mandate need not be further stressed.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Telecommunications, like romance, will produce enormous and unnecessary expenses tomorrow. Avoid both during this rocky patch and wait for the freebie down the line.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): It’s time you stopped apologizing for yourself, particularly when you apologize for always apologizing. The stars are sorry you feel sorry about it, but really – no really – it’s ok.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Well, everyone agrees the lobotomy was a failure, but take heart. You may pioneer a new fashion trend with that strange hairstyle once the 22nd century rolls around.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A retro outfit, or root canal, is on the horizon. Both are painful, but both will also garner you well-deserved pity from your peers.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Air travel is poorly starred, unless it’s of the county fair variety and/or imagined. Leaving bags unattended is also ill advised, mostly because authorities would find your bacon-scented scratch-n-sniff sticker collection inexplicable and rather suspicious.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A favorite childhood toy is set to re-incarnate this week in the form of gigantic burrito or submarine sandwich. It is critical you absolutely refrain from the use of first names prior to consumption.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Plaid and pleats, especially when put together, will instantly elevate your social status from “trying too hard” to “odd-exchange-student-might-be-cool-but-not-sure-yet.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22): With use of the correct facial expression, your boss will notice your work performance this week in ways that would make even the most accomplished mafia man jealous. Do, however, wear knee guards for extra insurance.