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Article posted Wednesday, September 5, 2012 10:35am

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): One should never pop a wheelie on a unicycle until first securing a helmet and padding – especially you, and especially since the results of last month’s IQ test have been made public.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Like the leaves on the trees, your colors are changing – mostly from “tan” to “pasty.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A dispute with a co-worker will come to a head this week, but should be easily resolved with a cup of water to the face and perhaps the use of a dog’s shock-collar.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Matters of the heart are set to enter a period of relative happiness, which sort of makes up for the fact that fungus will rage out of control during this same time.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Hyperactivity is your enemy, but caffeine is your friend. It’s an odd conundrum, but one easily overcome with the help of denial and self-delusion.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Engage mathematics in the form of subtraction this week. In so doing, you will gain greater comprehension of both your bank account and your overall height in inches.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Either a nursing home or a beauty salon will provide an unexpected, though fitting, locale for next week’s quickie wedding.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your lucky carbohydrate this week is the sesame bagel. Open it and chew.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): An uninteresting string of digits is set to become your national ID number, but at least it will help you get past that horrible name your mother gave you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your muffin is wider than it is tall, which is exactly how it should be. Don’t let others make you feel insecure – and certainly don’t allow rulers anywhere near it.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Use the word “jabberwocky” on three separate occasions today to open the magical gate to your future among nerds. On your journey, you may find masking tape useful for repairing your eyeglasses.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): To add an air of maturity to your public persona, begin signing your name in block letters and color them in with markers. Also, capitalize on any opportunity to dot the letter “i” with a teeny tiny pink heart.