Article posted Wednesday, September 19, 2012 10:15am

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Be aware that you possess exclusive and valuable information such as the cell phone number for Ernest Hemmingway and the exact location where Lindsay Lohan throws her vodka bottles. Guard this material as you would the bags of cement in your Buick’s backseat.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Galactic disturbances will soon end, supporting the belief that you fully intend to return all the stuff you borrowed. A good place to start would be your living room since you can’t get through it to reach the kitchen.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Great news ahead. Your lawyer will call to advise that he has explained to the parole office that icy road conditions caused you to miss both appointments in July. Watch for his bill in the mail.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You are to be recognized for your achievements in the past lunar year. Your concerto for violin and bass drum will become the City of Dykesville fight song and your essay on eggplant reproduction will be published in the Madison Capital Times.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Your horoscope for this period has been delayed by the federal government agency that monitors communications from outer space. You may apply for relief from this delay by contacting the office of serious messages, Muncie, Indiana.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Within days you will begin to experience strong vibrations which may come from a distant source or possibly from your 1994 pick-up truck which has hit too many curbs. Keep a firm grip on the wheel.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Sinister forces are lurking everywhere. Vigilance must be your constant habit as there are those who would seize your inheritance. Always park your car nose out and examine all liquor bottles.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Numerous sightings of the star Northport-Rufus in a peculiar orbit indicate that the next 2,214 days should be considered favorable for you to take showers using soap. Your dog could stand a cleanup as well.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Good news this cosmic time in your life. Both tattoo parlors where you are greeted with affection will be offering buy one, get one free designs that should fill in those bare spots on your lower arms. Share this information with your pastor.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will hear from a man who once shared a taxi with Donald Trump that your application to Dancing with the Stars is under intense consideration for the 2026 season provided your fee is received by 5 pm today.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Magical moments are just offshore which is growing more distant. Soon you will gain confidence, strength, courage, conviction and about twenty pounds if you don’t lay off the three margaritas you belt down following the pot roast and potato special.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Note the sunset times in this period and read the detailed instructions in your most previous horoscope as further signals will confirm that you should have read advice from Ann Landers before buying that dreadful get-up you wore to the wedding reception.