Article posted Tuesday, September 25, 2012 12:07pm

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You have some catching up to do since you passed out before following your previous month’s horoscope. Be certain you have the correct azimuth before venturing out and follow whims that please your five senses. A tall, dark stranger is just around the corner.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): There will be clear signals for you to follow as the Earth completes its daily rotation for the 289th time this year. Note that Jupiter and Ursa Minor are aligned. You will receive detailed instructions via your laptop (provided you are current with your cell phone company) about changing your wardrobe.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your palm reader will be accurate this period. A tidal wave similar to that seen in Jacksonport waters will sweep everything out to sea except for your Buick, which will continue to rust and cause small children to run away. If you don’t have a plumber, get one today.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This month, feel the energy flowing to your ample body from outer space. Contact all your relatives except those who want repayment immediately. This is a monumental time to start returning the tools and to repent. Keep the snow tires until next spring.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Look past your enormous record of failing every responsibility and take charge. Signals from above indicate that your changes to straighten out are now identical to your chance to win the lottery. Buy additional tickets to insure your success.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): It will be announced soon that your application to open a tattoo parlor on the Washington Island Ferry lower deck will be approved and tourists can now use the crossing time to get a skull and crossbones on their stomachs. Other patterns will be available on the return trip.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): The next thirty-eight days are critical to your quest to become the first person in Door County history to be rejected by all major television networks for any and all of their audience participation shows including Extreme Makeover. Continue to wear your current get-up and eat garlic for breakfast to succeed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It will be revealed to you the exact location where you can meet Elvis and rekindle your romance. Take extra precautions and note the position of Saturn as any deviation from its orbit will be the signal that you should gas up the Buick and dig out your travel ensemble.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Transmission of your horoscope was garbled but certain instructions were received. Among them was a strong suggestion that you should not use a wallpaper brush to apply your cologne, even though you have a supplier who is charging $2.77 for the half-gallon size container.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): You will soon receive advice on the proper steps to take to correct some of your vices. Resolve to clean up your act before your horoscope provider receives a sentence from the courts that may put him out of range for six months to a year.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Celestial signs forecast a reconciliation between yourself and just about everyone you have alienated in the past which includes all persons who have walked on this planet. Assure the neighbors that they will see and experience the new you. Put a cover on your trashcan starting now.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Show others that you intend to repent. Change those socks you have worn for a week. Stop and look both ways at all railroad crossings. Stop driving, texting and drinking a Slurpee all at the same time and wash the windshield at least once in 2012, for starters.