Libra (September 23 – October 22): A message in a bottle is likely to wash up at your feet. Unfortunately, the message will say something along the lines of “You owe me money.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A wise pumpkin carving choice for you is a self-portrait.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): This year, to save money, consider merging your Halloween and Christmas budgets and dressing up as tinsel.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A pleasant aroma will not hide the fact that you are being totally taken advantage of.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Close your eyes and wish really hard and you just might get that unicorn after all.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): More polyester is a good idea, as are copious amounts of hair gel and gold medallions. E-harmony is waiting for you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Pay someone a compliment tomorrow and it will make you feel good. Or, demand a massage from someone tomorrow and it will make you feel even better.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your gag reflex will be tested at next Monday’s choir practice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Show your support for health care reform this month by being a little healthier and a little more caring.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Investment in an umbrella would be wise this week judging from the appearance of your car’s roof.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Like a boat adrift at sea, so is your dancing style – wavy and utterly hopeless.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): That sweater was made for sweating, so turn up the heat and hop on that treadmill, woolly one!