Article posted Wednesday, October 10, 2012 9:58am

Libra (September 23 – October 22): As the stars clearly indicate, be advised to stand back three hundred feet from all calamities and this would be good to remember at your neighborhood bar as well. Maintain good relations with the man who fixes your roof.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A meteor shower will introduce a new period in your life. Strength and courage will approach and you must reach out to bring these missing parts of your character into focus. Try the new reverse yoga positions and ride your bicycle frequently.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You are about to come into a large fortune. Brace yourself for the arrival of all your relatives who received the same information but none of the money. Be advised to change your cell phone number and give some thought to your wardrobe.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This month is a vital period long forecast by the position of Uranus and the star Valmy KR Six. You will note increased radish production and an improved attitude of your dog. Seize the moment and repent.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Past predictions will all be proven false and your palmist is way off track as well. Consult the man behind the curtain who has had a successful career, in aluminum siding and will help guide your future.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): This celestial season contains messages for you including the advice to dig out your discarded lottery tickets from three months ago as you likely had the shared third place pay-out. Your red and day-glow yellow ensemble will be well received.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Expect better news this week. Calls will be directed to you from your bookie, the reservation desk at your favorite eatery and the parole office. Disregard any calls that purport to come from the Elvis Foundation which wants additional money from you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your fortune is secure and this is confirmed by the collision of Mars with the state of Arkansas. Romance may be just beyond your next visit to the soothsayer but your neighbor will return the lawnmower since it will no longer start.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): The positions of Jupiter and Pluto indicate approval of your new attitude. This may signal that your wardrobe will no longer inspire the ridicule of past months. Consider moving those pink flamingoes in your garden to the front lawn so others may enjoy them.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Heed warnings from the bulletin board at the bus station and look both ways at all railroad crossings in Door County. Caution is your friend as you apply for all forms of aid. Resolve to clean your closet and return all twenty-seven overdue books to the library.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Your mathematic skills will receive fortification from the Galaxy Valmy XR-10 and this will allow you to calculate the odds of winning the lottery without buying a ticket. Take out a Billboard in Sturgeon Bay to alert others to your skills.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): In this stratospheric circumstance you will receive better news that your vacation in Detroit will be reduced by four days. Nothing can derail you in your quest to yodel in all fifty-seven states, with Nancy Pelosi.