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Article posted Wednesday, October 17, 2012 11:01am

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A great experience will embrace you in this month of historic proportions. Note that your relatives have stopped asking you for money and the garbage collection people are picking up your trash instead of leaving some on your driveway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You will be the recipient of two sets of snow tires and a load of gravel, all of which will be dumped on your tomato patch. Write thank you notes to everyone you know as there are six thousand concrete blocks that might be yours is you pull the right levers.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Celestial signals clearly indicate that your inner strength will overcome the fears that have kept you from reaching the goals set for you by Grover Cleveland. Wear your best t-shirt to the upcoming wedding but park your vehicle where no one will recognize that it is yours.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Recognition of your achievements is about to occur. The booyah recipe and tomatoes with not taste whatsoever will be attributed to your kitchen and garden and both neighbors will offer endorsements, for a fee.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You should disregard authority this period. All signs indicate your free spirit will be in good working order. Share a peanut butter sandwich with your astrologer.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A great mystery will be unraveled for you. Your hip waders have been located in Nebraska. Remember to send your aunt a sack of grapefruit.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You will soon learn that your soufflé has won the Gills Rock Bake-Off as the only one that did not collapse after two days outdoors. Seek a recipe patent on your addition of eight ounces of starch per egg.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Interstellar signals are your guidepost. Do not rely any longer on direction from the man behind the curtain who is now working part-time at the Egg Harbor Convention Center as a greeter.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): A bright future is before you. It will unfold as you accelerate away from despair and also Dykesville. Check with you doctor about a discount on a hip replacement in the off-season.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Messages that were blocked in space can be received on cable channel 980 and will indicate that your many maladies will soon be cured and that your tomatoes are superior to those of your neighbors.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): A vast conspiracy will be foiled and thus you will no longer be responsible for the national debt. Celebrate be having a double shot of vodka in your prune juice.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): It is your celestial period to shine. Have your Buick washed and get those bushels of turnips off the passenger seat in preparation for a victory lap to Algoma.