Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Be prepared, as you’re very likely to drop the ball this month. Hopefully it will just be some sort of football or basketball, and not the crystal ball that your grandmother seems to be in love with despite how tacky it is.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Orion’s Belt is loosening, signaling some potential weight gain on the horizon. Be sure to pay extra attention to what you’re eating. Also, don’t return the diet books your mother will be sending you in the mail.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Be sure to treat yourself to a little something extra, as long as it’s not that holiday sweater you’ve been eyeing up. That thing looks atrocious.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Venus has no seasons, and neither should your love for the significant other you met this summer. Be sure to keep in contact via Facebook, Google Plus, Twitter, or whatever it is the kids use these days.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Being bold will lead to success, as your decision to trade your old winter coat in for a newer, flashier one will get you noticed by all the right people. Buying a matching set of hat and gloves can only lead to greater rewards.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): The odds of being killed by falling space debris are 1 in 5 billion. The odds of being struck by lightning are 1 in 10,000. The odds of you losing all your money if you go gambling in the near future are significantly lower than either of those figures.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your smooth talking may get you into trouble as you venture into a business deal you aren’t quite ready for. When someone approaches you about opening a “wicked new waterpark outside of Sturgeon Bay with like 80 slides,” be sure to think before you sign anything.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This is your time to take charge and assume a leadership role. The next time you go out to lunch with a group, make sure to be the first one to order. Good things will happen as a result.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The transit of Neptune signals that you should take time to go on a trip yourself. Anywhere down south is typically nice this time of year. I myself have a timeshare in Galveston, Texas that I’d be willing to rent out fairly cheaply. If interested, call 920.555.3262.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Flirting at Husby’s will not get you anywhere in your attempts at finding “the one.” Instead, spend your weekend evenings mastering the yo-yo. Once you’ve perfected the Sleeper and Around the World, your one true love will find you.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The explosive orbit of Jupiter’s second moon shows that now is the time to launch your rap career. The world is finally ready for the fresh rhymes you’ve been slaving away at, but you’ll only make it if you can find a partner who shares your creative vision. Holding tryouts at the local fire station will prove fruitful.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Be wary of the leftovers you’ve been keeping in the back of your refrigerator. Eating them separately will greatly upset your stomach. Combining them in any way, shape, or form will lead to a disaster of epic proportions from which your bowels may not recover.