Article posted Monday, November 19, 2012 9:36am

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Keep plugging away at that revision of the golf drama you’ve been working on, being sure to pay close attention to the fourth and fifth paragraphs on page three. You repeatedly made an egregious spelling error that, if it goes unchecked, will get you laughed out of every publishing house you approach. Remember, putt does not start with a ‘b.’

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Watch for when the Milky Way finishes its next rotation, as that will mark the proper time for you to finally finish that last batch of Halloween candy you’ve been hoarding.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): This Black Friday will be truly black for you, as every single store you visit will be out of their limited quantity items. Attempts to turn to the Internet will prove just as fruitless as, in an act of perceived self-preservation, your computer will crash so as to stop you from ordering its replacement.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Don’t ignore the warning signs that life is giving you. When your ‘Check Engine’ light comes on, take your car in to the shop. It might be nothing, but then again, it might be something.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): The wagging of Ursa Major’s tail signals a time of mysterious happiness is on the way. Taking up a new hobby will leave you fulfilled, depending on what the hobby is. Basket weaving’s probably not the right choice, but you may want to stick to something crafty. Possibly crochet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your signs are currently unclear, but the whispers of the cosmos are saying something about avoiding steaks. Or is it stakes? It may be best to just stay away from both. Also, you may want to start a campaign to clear the English language of homonyms.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This holiday season is the right time to bust out the peanut butter, caramel, and bleu cheese sandwiches that you’ve been waiting to share with the world. Word will slowly spread forth from your family members that they are “the bomb,” and you’ll eventually be approached by major sandwich conglomerates to sell your secret recipe. Turning over the recipe will earn you a quick buck, but weigh the decision carefully.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your significant other is seriously reconsidering your relationship, so if you want to hold on to what you have it’s time to make some big changes. A good first step would be taking a shower every once in awhile. It doesn’t have to be every day, but maybe every other. Work your way up to it if you have to.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Prepare for big things ahead, as the acne problem you had in high school returns in full force. Stocking up on Stridex or Proactiv Solution now will help you combat the menace, but it still might not be the best time to go on any first dates.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Playing favorites will get you in trouble, as an accidental unplugging of your headphones will lead to your computer blaring Eminem throughout the office. Attempts to convince your boss that it’s not your fault that Marshall Mathers has a potty mouth will prove less than fruitful.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Don’t bother taking the time to shave off this year’s Thanksgiving weight gain. Keeping the excess and combining it with your post-Christmas pounds will motivate you to actually stick to your traditional New Year’s Resolution of installing a fitness regimen, as by January 1 you’ll be horrified by what you’ve become.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Venus’ move into the seventh house is a clear signal that it’s time for you to consider buying seven houses of your own. Don’t worry if you don’t have the capital, as you’ll soon receive a mysterious influx of cash from a Nigerian prince. All you’ll have to do is send him a little money in advance, and soon you’ll be rolling in the dough.