Article posted Wednesday, December 5, 2012 10:42am

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): A sudden influx of pirate gold will allow you to buy the house of your dreams. Unfortunately, you’ll wake up as soon as you’ve finally settled on a color to re-paint the walls.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Putting others ahead of yourself will benefit you in the near future, when allowing someone to cut you in line at the Pig leads to you becoming the store’s 50,000th customer. When you cash your giant novelty check for $10, be sure to set aside enough to retire on.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Mysterious e-mails from an unknown admirer will begin to appear in your inbox. Attempts to ferret out your anonymous paramour’s identity will prove fruitless, but he or she will send you a nice vegetable tray.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): A Sturgeon Bay sighting of a man that kind of looks like Tom Cruise will signal that it’s time for you to get back into religion. Maybe not Tom Cruise’s religion, but you know, one of the less crazy ones.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your annual ski trip will end in disaster when you awaken to find that you can’t remember what happened the previous evening and, even worse, the mini-bar in your room has been completely emptied by some burglar.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The holiday season usually has you feeling down, but this year promises to be warmer and brighter than the ones prior. It’s going to be warmer and brighter because of global warming and the evaporation of the ozone layer, but hey, let’s try to see the upside.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Don’t bother to wait for the often-late Christmas lists your friends and family make. Instead set out to buy something that you think they’d truly enjoy. After seeing the gifts you picked out, they’ll be sure to get their Christmas lists to you well in advance next year.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Stopping the foretold 2012 apocalypse will come down to you, a ball of string, an orange, and a saxophone. How exactly these things will interact is a mystery, but brushing up on re-runs of MacGyver can only help your chances of figuring out how to prevent the end times.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Tickle Me Elmo is not an acceptable holiday gift anymore. Stop trying to unload those things and just keep them in the closet where they belong. It’s not your family’s fault that you bought too many and then couldn’t sell them on eBay.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): As the country continues to approach the fiscal cliff, you should consider taking a nice vacation before all the money you’ve been working to save up becomes worthless (again). The most karmicly appropriate spots to visit would be the Grand Canyon or maybe Niagara Falls.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Movement in the second paw of Ursa Minor suggests it’s time for you to get a new pet, perhaps a small one. Not annoyingly small or yappy, but something cool. Like a beagle.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): A flat tire will seriously hinder your chances of getting home in time to catch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer when it airs on CBS. It may be time to finally pony up and buy it on DVD or possibly even splurge for a DVR.