Article posted Wednesday, January 16, 2013 12:04pm

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You don’t have to take on all that stress you’ve been carrying by yourself; be sure to turn to your friends to help you get by in 2013. If it’s good enough for the Beatles, it should be good enough for you.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): The bitter agony of a Packer defeat is nothing compared to the stench of yours.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): No matter how much you wish it were true, Monopoly money will never be as good as real money. So you should really stop buying those special editions.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): A new invention will greatly enrich your life but, unfortunately, the rubber-banded-triple-pencil backscratcher will prove unmarketable outside your own living room.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It’s time to finally kick that disgusting coffee habit and get back to some more natural morning drinks, like tea or not-from-concentrate orange juice. If you’re worried about losing that pick-me-up feeling, just honk your car horn a couple times on the way to work.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): When Orion, the hunter, becomes prominent in the night sky it will signal that you should get back in the hunt for a new significant other. If you’re already dating someone just show them this column. They’ll totally understand what you have to do.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): The coming of this month’s full moon will instill in you a burning desire to purchase and watch the full box set of Will and Grace DVDs. Like a reluctant werewolf, you must resist the lunar calling, lest you be forced to sit through 194 laugh track laden episodes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): This is a good time to venture outside of your typical ice cream comfort zone. Sure, Cookies ‘n Cream is good, but have you considered looking at Green Tea or Black Raspberry? Winter is the perfect time to pick a new favorite flavor, so you can really indulge in the summer.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Blondes may have more fun, but they also get more creepy leers from old men at the bar. You have been warned.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): When you tell your family about your work promotion, do not take their cries of “That’s a crock!” as some sort of demeaning insult. There really will be a crocodile behind you, and you should really run away from it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This is the time when you need to finally get down to answering the burning questions which have been haunting your soul, your very being. First on the agenda, is it Fish Crick or Fish Creak?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): When people claim that remembering how to do something is “as easy as riding a bicycle,” they weren’t referring to your attempts at putting your taxes in order.