Article posted Wednesday, February 13, 2013 11:00am

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Sinister forces will be present in this period. Take evasive action when followed by vehicles displaying antlers on their hoods. You will receive a small package which may contain the fruitcake you sent to your relatives for Christmas, 2010.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Celestial signals indicate that your two-color tattoos will be your ticket to a place on American Idol. Free transportation will be provided for you and three relatives from the bus station in Brownsville, Texas to the studios.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Remain alert in this galactic uncertainty. Strong winds will usher in better weather, but also freezer burn of your canned vegetables. Best to keep a full tank of gas in your Buick as you may need several attempts to get up the Egg Harbor hill.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Beware of crocodiles and sharks recently seen at the Ephraim wetlands and be sure to tell your relatives about your destination. Your assigned parking space will be occupied by an alien invader but local authorities will have it towed at your expense.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Your application to become dictator of Door County has been found in a dumpster just outside of Northport. All twenty-seven pages will be returned to you with spelling errors clearly marked but not corrected.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Look to the stars for signals that you will soon regain the confidence that once propelled you to an also-ran ranking in the Downtown Dykesville Demolition Derby. If tonight is cloudy, cancel stargazing and do something else.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): All celestial signs indicate that your parole officer will be retiring soon and you will be assigned to a rigid thinker who won’t swallow your sob stories. Instructions on how to construct concrete birdhouses will be in your mailbox tomorrow.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): As Jupiter changes orbit two weeks from now, look for strength to do what is right and this includes washing your windshield before you crash again. Call your pawnbroker to renew old relationships and investigate a career in taxidermy.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Remain alert as the Zodiac is changing channels. Do not let the impending storm deter your efforts to remain erect at all functions where alcohol is present. Throw out last weekend’s pizza and contact your soothsayer by sundown tomorrow.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Today is going to be better than yesterday and your culinary skills can’t get any worse. Seek immediate attention if anything lasts more that four hours. Galactic waves will confirm your chances of reaching space in a 1996 Buick.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Transmission of your horoscope has been intercepted by aliens or people from Illinois. Quickly consult your palmist for advice on how to step through the minefields of life until your personal message can be retrieved.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): It is written in the heavens that your destiny is in Jacksonport in two feet of water at high tide January 1, 2014. Before the next full moon, send for a new pair of waders and a quart of that stuff your brother-in-law has been brewing in the shed with the hole in the roof.