Article posted Wednesday, April 10, 2013 8:39pm

Aries (March 21 – April 19): It’s time to throw out the rest of those Peeps you’ve been saving. Or microwave them. Or something. But they have to go.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Your truck does need new tires. It does not need monster truck tires, no matter how cool you think they’d look.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): You may feel the need to get out and have an adventure this summer, but be advised that your attempts to run with the bulls will very quickly turn into running from the bulls. Very quickly.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Didn’t have enough time to hit the slopes this year? Water skiing is kind of like downhill skiing, except for the downhill part. Maybe give that a try once it warms up.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): It’s said that scientists are pretty close to cracking the mysteries of “dark matter.” They’d probably be even closer if they looked behind your stove. Have you ever cleaned back there?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): When someone offers you a million dollars to send a nasty email to your boss, do these two things first: 1) consider your decision carefully and 2) get the million dollars first. You’ll need it after you’re blacklisted.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Don’t worry that NBC didn’t take your pitch to be the next host of The Tonight Show seriously. I’ve pitched a horoscope-based show to them like a billion times, and they never respond to me either. Persistence will pay off.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Your friends may tell you that square dancing is for squares, but the partner you swing around may end up being the one you stay with for life.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Teddy Roosevelt said you should speak softly and carry a big stick. But have you ever seen anyone that’s actually done that? Super creepy.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Now that it’s warming up, you’ll need to think of creative uses for the 60-some family size containers of hot chocolate you’ve got in your pantry. It CAN go bad, trust me.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Time to dust off that ol’ baseball mitt and get ready for the season to start again. You may also want to start working out now so you don’t have to order a larger jersey this year (again).

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Some mysterious cosmic force will nullify the sticky components of your Post-It Notes later this month. Take them all down off your bulletin board now, or risk having a multicolored mess to clean up.