Article posted Wednesday, May 8, 2013 12:36pm

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Remember, the dinosaurs likely thought they were invincible too. See how that worked out for them?

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): This Mother’s Day give your mom the gift she’s always wanted, the gift of silence.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): There is zipper difficulty ahead in your future. Best look at all of your pants now to make sure they check out, as you may be able to head the wardrobe malfunction off.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): There are many differences between you and Iron Man. The two primary ones, however, are that Tony Stark is a) rich and b) brilliant.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’ll soon become trapped in a tragic loop when you make your first attempt at traveling through a roundabout.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): There will be tears in your future. Also, the restaurant you work at will be serving an onion soup special this week. These things may or may not be related to each other.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Don’t feel embarrassed to introduce your friends to your new love. Even some beer snobs like Bud Light Lime.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): It may be getting warmer out, but there’s still no excuse for wearing jeans shorts.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Breaking a mirror will get you seven years bad luck, but breaking into a bank will get you seven years in a federal penitentiary. Also, it won’t work.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’ll have to engage in a case of mind over batter if you want to successfully copy your grandmother’s secret cake recipe.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You could make bacon and pancakes for breakfast, or you could make bacon pancakes for breakfast. The right choice seems obvious.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): No matter what you may have called them in high school, your fists are not hammers. Trying to use them as such when repairing your house will only lead to pain.