Article posted Thursday, May 23, 2013 3:35pm

Gemini (May 21 – June 21): Remember that day you got into just a wee bit of trouble with the town constable? No? Oh, it must still be coming up then.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22): Game of Thrones is not something to try and emulate in real life. Remember, just say no to political intrigue and incest.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): If you think you’re not ready for children yet, maybe try getting a dog. If you’re not quite ready for getting a dog, maybe get a goldfish?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): There is no possible way you can ever make it up to your mom for forgetting Mother’s Day. Ever. She will never ever forgive you ever.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Broccoli has more moral fiber than that floozy you’ve been hanging out with. Best to dump him posthaste.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): This is the summer of limbo, the time you finally take the crown of “Peninsula Limbo Champion.” First things first though, you’re going to have to create that countywide limbo contest you’ve been dreaming of.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): There are portents of Mars in your future. Maybe the planet? No, wait, it’s the candy company. Or Veronica Mars. Or the Roman god of war. This telling the future thing is tricky sometimes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your high school bully will approach you in adult life. Rather than cold-cocking your admittedly deserving oppressor, hear him out. He’s changed for the better.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Do not take your kids with the next time you go out to eat. They will be unruly little monsters and get you banned from your favorite eating establishment. This isn’t a joke horoscope. You have to believe me.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Some days are Wednesdays. Other days are Winsdays.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Next time you think you see someone driving the wrong way down a one-way street, pause to consider that it may in fact be you that’s going the wrong way.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): One of your friends is soon going to tell you that you look like Natalie Portman. You’ll take it as a compliment, but she means you look like Natalie in Goya’s Ghosts. A quick Google search will tell you that’s not a nice thing to say.